Hard to Break, Harder to Fix
by jedi monkey1
Summary: Qui-Gon’s in misery and Obi-Wan’s suffering too. Obi-Wan becomes distraught, taking his master’s actions seriously the wrong way. (Complete! Hey, don't hit me!)
1. Crash and Burn

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or any of the characters. We all know the famous beardy guy owns it all. Huh? No not God you idiot – George Lucas. 

If you see any Sith Lords steal this fic (why they'd want to I don't know) and claim it to be theirs, email me and I'll come and give 'em a good whacking with my saber. They'll learn to fear the monkey.

This fic *is* free to read/enjoy/hate but I'm willing to accept donations in the form of money, Hayden Christensen or Ewan McGregor. Hehe…

NB 

_italics_ is thinking, writing or light emphasis (you're smart people, you'll figure out which) 

CAPS is strong emphasis

// this is bond communication //

* these are flashbacks *

Obi is about 13-14.

Hard to Break, Harder to Fix Crash and Burn 

***

These past six months have been the longest of my life. I still don't understand what's happened. He's still the same. Distant. Not noticing. Uncaring. 

Obi-Wan paused a second, reflecting on the last words he had written. As much as it was painful to admit, his master, Qui-Gon Jinn, had become a completely different person in the last six months. Obi-Wan had watched him, unable to do anything. 

He resumed.

I've just given up. There's nothing that even affects him any more. I can ask him if he wants or needs anything and it'll take him ages to respond – if he responds at all that is. I just wish…

Obi-Wan paused again, eyes stinging with tears.

_I just wish he would trust me, tell me what's the matter, tell me what I can do to help. _

_I don't have a lot of memory of my parents. I never was old enough to understand why my parents cried when I left to join the Jedi. I was too young, I didn't know what it was like to have someone you loved dearly to be taken away from you. I guess I know what it would have been like now. I feel like I've lost a father. _

Obi-Wan threw a quick glance into the living room he shared with Qui-Gon. He didn't know why he did it. He knew his Master wouldn't have moved.

_He used to be so full of pride for me, praise, love… that's all gone now. Five months ago, just before I closed that training bond, all I could feel was anger, hate, sadness, pain. It scared me. That's why I closed the bond – I didn't want to… to know that my master was in some kind of pain constantly. And with nothing I could do to help. To ease it. To purge it once and for all. I didn't want him to know the pain I was in either. Not that he probably felt the pain I was in. Heck, he hasn't even noticed the bond's gone._

_Maybe Qui-Gon got it right. Maybe I am a failure. I mean, why doesn't he ever accept anything I do? Is that why everything I do in his eyes is wrong? Maybe that's why this has all happened. I'm a disappointment to him. I don't blame him for ignoring me then. Why would he want me?_

Obi-Wan could write no more. He carelessly chucked the data pad which served as his journal on the desk and curled up on his bed. _Now now, you're focusing on the negative, _he thought to himself. _That's wrong._ It was an age old lesson drummed into him ever since he was an initiate, not least by Master Yoda . He smiled fondly at the memory of the ancient little Jedi Master threatening Obi-Wan with a whack on the shins with his hefty stick if he focused on the negative too much. But what else could Obi-Wan do now? There was nothing _but_ the negative to focus on. 

***

Isn't it funny how you can wrap yourself up in memory and not notice anything. 

Qui-Gon hadn't noticed anything in days. He was engulfed in a tempest of regret, hurt and nightmare. 

Nightmare - it's what stalked him in the day, filling his waking hours with anger and guilt. Nightmare - it's what held him in his dreams, causing him to relive the moment, the scene, a million times over before he could wake up and be released from it's torturing grasp. Now and again he closed his eyes, trying to see how things could be different. 

It only ever came down to one conclusion. 

He only ever saw the picture of clashing lightsabers.

Sure, he'd tried meditating. It didn't work. It was almost as if the force was avoiding him. The force, normally so comforting, welcoming, supportive… had abandoned him, in turn giving it's own private message to Qui-Gon. 

There's nothing the force can do to help you. 

In some more meditation he'd tried to reply; _must I do this on my own?_

The force gave no answer. 

Maybe it was just his imagination. Even so, Qui-Gon had given up on meditating. It was no solace. He simply chose to wrestle with his thoughts privately. Obviously searching for answers from his conscience is engaging for him: he didn't notice the setting sun staining the sky beautifully with a spectrum of burnt reds, oranges and peaches. He didn't notice Obi-Wan throwing that data pad down, even though it clattered on the desk loud enough to be heard in the next room along. He didn't notice twilight creep on, replacing the reds with blues and purples. He didn't seem to notice a star filled night fly past. He didn't hear muffled sobs coming from the bedroom. He didn't notice the beauty of nature and the living force as a glorious dawn rose, filling the sky with singing birds and an azure sky. He didn't notice his young apprentice steal out of the door either, a large pack slung over his shoulder.

***

Obi-Wan didn't care where he was going. He just had to get away. He wasn't going to hang around were he wasn't wanted. Running away from the Jedi Temple wasn't exactly the smartest thing he'd ever done. On reflection, Obi-Wan thought that he probably should have thought it through a bit more. And after all, Coruscant wasn't the safest of places for a young teenager to be wandering – Jedi or no Jedi. 

He shrugged the thought off carelessly. Not stopping to look at his surroundings or try to gauge roughly where he was, he ran blindly on. Something he was going to regret – especially as a speeder came hurtling into him at high speed, not showing any signs of slowing.

***

A/N 

Well, that's the end of chapter 1. Sorry it's not that great, and not very exciting – I admit I'm not that great a storywriter. But hey, I just felt like writing something instead of just reading all of your stories. Please review, I'd love to see what you think – good or bad :)  


	2. Consciousness

Aaargh! Forgive me please! This has been WAY too long in coming! First I was snowed in with schoolwork, then my modem died, then I had weird logging in problems *sigh* But at least it's here now. To say sorry, I've put up two chapters (ch 2 + 3) in one upload. 

Thanks sooooooooooooo much for all the lovely reviews and emails I received! I can't tell you how much of a confidence booster it is :) 

Uploaded in a different format so now you can all see pretty bold text and italics! Oh, and I got rid of all that nastily abnormally large paragraph spacing too! (I love HTML, and hate Word) 

Sorry again, and enjoy! 

**Harder to Break, Harder to Fix**

_Consciousness_

A blissful silence. The serenity of the force, so comforting, so nursing, so healing, but it doesn't always heal enough. 

* those eyes ever boring deeper and deeper into your soul like they're never going to stop they make you feel so vulnerable so exposed like they're going to see everything that's inside you and rip it all out so you're left with just a shell unable to think breathe feel what is life if you can't feel emotions they are what we are can't deny it but I just wish those eyes would go away leave me in peace I need peace I need to be alone never alone so crowded I'm lost and I need to find myself I need space I need to think I need to breathe I need to feel * 

Qui-Gon moaned quietly as it returned. 

Again. 

* not just the eyes but everything I want it all to go just want to go home back to the temple back to normality I can't I won't see outside again he's too strong just too strong why is he doing this what's this person doing to me why is he twisting and torturing my mentality why just why can't take it no more won't take it no more * 

He didn't. He swung the lightsaber and ended the battle for the thousandth time in his mind. The figures fled and faded like ghosts into the depths of his subconscious memory, but they would be back to haunt him again. Pity that saber swing didn't stop the mental struggle within him. He resented having to go through the same thoughts and feelings every time he remembered. So strongly too. He knew Jedi were particularly sensitive but surely… 

Before he could return to wallowing in self pity again, he paused. An unusual dull like pain had hammered into a tiny part of his brain, throbbing and refusing to go away. It was so subtle it had hardly distracted Qui-Gon for more than a millisecond. But that was before he realised what the pain signified. The part of his mind hurting was the bond he (used) to share with Obi-Wan. If he could feel pain, then Obi-Wan was in pain. If Obi-Wan was in pain, then something had happened… 

It took an alarming few seconds for Qui-Gon to realise his Padawan had slammed up strong shields consequently jamming the bond shut. This made the situation even worse. If pain had managed to seep through such strong shields, it was a pretty big thing that had happened to him. And also, a shut bond was useless in telling how Obi-Wan was. 

Suddenly the fateful Tatooine mission was all but forgotten, buried in the torrent of concern and surprise that flooded Qui-Gon's attention. Getting up for the first time in ages, he grabbed his cloak and force checked the room. Obi-Wan was gone, and had probably been gone a while. Qui-Gon groaned. This was all he needed. Obi-Wan missing and possibly seriously injured whilst he was having a soul searching moment with memory, guilt and hatred in attendance. 

He did need this though. It started to rouse him from the zombie like state he had resided in for the past six months. Only some massive shock would pull him right out of it and realign him with reality and the real world but at least this was a start. 

_Oh force, what a fool I've been. I've driven the poor boy away. _

Realising the stupidity of his actions, Qui-Gon growled angrily at himself. 

_It's all very well for me be trying to sort my head out but I can't spend half a year doing it and ignore my commitments._

Another angry snarl. 

_Ugh, I should never have taken another Padawan._

*** 

Obi-Wan groaned and opened his eyes. The blackness faded and he found himself looking at the now cloudy sky of Coruscant. 

"Oh my god he just ran out!" 

"I know but is he hurt?" 

"Just leave him there." 

"What?! We can't do that!" 

Obi-Wan turned his head slightly to see where the voices were coming from. Two female Twi'leks were sitting in a grubby blue speeder arguing about whether to help the person they'd just run over. 

_Charming_, thought Obi-Wan. His instincts told him that he couldn't have blacked out for than 20 seconds because there wasn't a crowd of people mobbing him. Yet. His head throbbed as he sat up, scanning around for a place he could rest temporarily. His best bet seemed to be a small alleyway which was just over the road. Reaching out with the force, he found that nobody was there. Easing himself up, he hobbled to the alley leaving the Twi'leks in their heated debate. 

"But what if someone finds out? What if he dies? Oh god…" 

"Look if we get away quick nobody will know it was us." 

"Bit late for that huh?" 

"Fine. Go and check if the guy's alright. I couldn't care less." 

Scowling, the smaller of the two looked at the road and the empty space where Obi-Wan was. 

"What the - he's gone!" 

"Whadya mean gone?" 

"Look, he's gone!" 

"He can't have just vanished into thin air. Not even the almighty Jedi can do that…" 

Obi-Wan heard the raised voices melt into the background as he slumped down, supporting himself haphazardly against a rickety old fence. Lifting his shirt, he saw an large, angry bruise forming just above his left hip, but nothing worse. A quick force check told him that he was fine otherwise. That's ignoring the shock of the whole accident, of course. Oh, and the fact that every other muscle and bone in his body screamed pain at him. 

"Mental note: never get run over by a speeder again," he muttered. Wincing slightly, he managed to stand up and began to walk to the nearest hostel. 

*** 

Qui-Gon immediately regretted thinking that last comment. He regarded Obi-Wan as a light in his life, shining joy and hope into and forward from a past, present and future which would have otherwise been dark and bleak. For instance, the scars for Xanatos' turning to the dark side had only healed because of the constant content and happiness he got from Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan was also another chance for Qui-Gon, and one he didn't want to mess up. That's why he grabbed his lightsaber from a drawer and left to scour the streets of Coruscant. 

*** 

Still puzzled about what's going on? There's some explanation coming… honestly! Anyways, like I said, next chapter has been uploaded too! 


	3. Give and Take

**Hard to Break, Harder to Fix**

_Give and Take_

*** 

Qui-Gon gazed round for a last time, trying to sense Obi-Wan's signature in the force. Sighing heavily, he began to return to the Jedi Temple. Having no bond didn't make the impossible task of finding a boy in a busy Coruscant any easier. He'd already tried to gently push his way through Obi-Wan's barriers but thought that he'd only make matters worse. And anyway - forcing through with the kind of pressure needed to break through Obi-Wan's shields could severely trauma Obi-Wan's mind. He wasn't willing to take the risk. 

In the hours he'd searched, he'd calmed down and let his care and worry for Obi-Wan dominate everything. All he wanted now was Obi-Wan back safely at the temple, and everything to be bright, happy and hunky-dory. That wasn't going to happen, and Qui-Gon knew it. If he did find Obi-Wan, then he obviously wasn't going to count his negligent Master as one of his favourite people, despite how much Qui-Gon knew Obi-Wan loved him. That's what Qui-Gon hated the most about himself at the moment. The fact that he had totally ignored the people dearest to him, especially his own Padawan, and hurt them so much that they now didn't like him in return. Proof being that Obi-Wan was so upset he felt compelled to run away. But it wasn't Obi's fault, he wasn't there, he knows nothing… 

Qui-Gon scolded himself. He was wallowing in self-pity again. No time for that, have to find Obi. He entered the temple's gardens and automatically smiled, despite his anxiety and grief. Nobody could help but smile here. The temple's gardens were possibly the most beautiful place in the galaxy. They were a haven of peace and serenity and flowed with the force so strongly. The ideal place to meditate. He also smiled at the figure he saw levitating by the large tree that stood next to a small pool at the back of the gardens, in the corner. 

"Hello Master." Qui-Gon bowed his head in respect. 

"Welcome Master Qui-Gon." Yoda nodded at his former apprentice. "Seek answers do you? Come to the right place then, you have." The Master looked inquiringly at Qui-Gon, silently asking for an explanation of why he was uneasy. Qui-Gon, no matter how many times Yoda did it, still failed to believe that Yoda had seemed to read his mind. 

"My Padawan has gone missing, I'm afraid to say." Qui-Gon tried hard not to grimace. 

"Hmm." The look on Yoda's face told Qui-Gon that the Master sensed that there was more to this situation than Qui-Gon was saying, or at least, willing to say. "A reason there must be for such a strange disappearance." He lowered him self to the ground, indicating that Qui-Gon should sit too. 

"Well, after Tatooine, I… haven't been myself." He struggled to find words to explain but he knew that the Master would know what he meant. After all, he knew what had happened on Tatooine. Yoda, Qui-Gon and Mace Windu were the only ones who knew. "I neglected Obi-Wan." Feeling his Master's disapproval he quickly blurted out the rest in an uncharacteristic emotional outburst. "I didn't mean to… it's just that… I couldn't stop thinking about, remembering… I didn't want Obi to become like… so I just went hard on him… totally unnecessary I know… so sorry for it now… Obi obviously felt that he had done wrong… he ran off… must be because he thought that… that I didn't…" Qui-Gon choked out the last words so they were barely a whisper, "love him." He stopped, so distressed that his train of thought was jumbled to the extent that he couldn't even finish a sentence properly. 

Yoda nodded, a look of sadness but understanding in his eyes. "And so, run young Obi-Wan has. Feel unwanted he does." Qui-Gon could only reply with a despondent nod. Suddenly annoyed, Yoda stood and thumped his stick on the ground. "Said this before I have! Your fault Xanatos' turning was not. Prevent it you could not. A good teacher you are. A good teacher you must be. Feel sorry for yourself you must not or a good teacher you will never be." 

Yoda's words filled Qui-Gon with a new strength, as they were obviously intended to do. Qui-Gon suspected that Yoda had slyly placed a force suggestion underneath those words. Grateful all the same, he looked at the little Jedi. 

"But how can I find him? He's closed the bond with strong shields that I can't break through without seriously hurting him." 

"Meditate you must." 

Qui-Gon sighed and looked at the pool. It's swirling waters were so tranquil that he prompted himself to return to his typical calm and placid being. He plunged into a deep meditative trance and slipped gently into the force, searching for Obi-Wan's signature. Eventually he found it. Given new hope, he tried to send a message through the bond and found that Obi-Wan's shields had weakened. 

*** 

Obi-Wan stepped out of the 'fresher and sat on the bed. It had only taken one mind trick to get himself a decent room for the night. Still sore, he gently crossed his legs and began to meditate. 

// Padawan? // 

Obi-Wan almost fell off the bed in the surprise of hearing his Master's voice. He reckoned he hadn't heard him since this all started about six months ago. 

// How did you get through… // Qui-Gon felt the anger and surprise from his Padawan and smiled gently, mostly through relief that Obi-Wan was well, and actually speaking to him. 

// Maybe the accident you had weakened the shields? I have no idea. // Obi-Wan thought he felt a slight sense of sarcasm and grew more angry. 

// How did you know I had an accident? // 

// I felt the pain you were in my Padawan. What happened? I was concerned. // 

Obi-Wan could hardly believe what he was hearing. 

// There was just a mishap with this speeder that's all.// If Obi-Wan had been talking to Qui-Gon face to face, that last comment would have been a mumble. //But like you were concerned anyway. You don't care what happens to me. // 

Qui-Gon jolted. He sent soothing thoughts through the bond. 

// That's not true Padawan… // 

// Then what's been going on this past half year? If it wasn't me then what was it? // Obi-Wan seemed calmer now, but there was still an edge of anger in his thoughts. 

Qui-Gon remained silent, pondering on whether to tell Obi-Wan the truth, and what had happened. 

// Well? // It was evident Obi-Wan was growing more impatient. 

// Something happened. It shook me badly. It reminded me - // 

// Of what? // Obi-Wan interrupted. 

Qui-Gon winced. 

// Xanatos. // 

Obi-Wan remained still for a few seconds, allowing what he had just heard to sink in. He filled with disgust, anger and despair he couldn't control. 

// What?! Xanatos?! I thought you'd recovered from what happened to him. Ha, I was stupid to think that. I know he turned to the dark side but did you really still think I was going to?! I'd never betray you like that. What's the matter? Couldn't you cope with losing your star pupil? And is his replacement not good enough? Is that what it is Master? Am I not good enough? I never was, was I? I could never do anything good enough for you. I could never compare to the great Xanatos. Never. But why now? Why just so recently? And why not tell me upfront? Why didn't you just tell me you didn't want me? That I was worthless. Why? It would have hurt less to hear you just say it instead of you just blanking me all the time. I loved you like a father Master and I'm so sorry that you never loved me. I'm sorry for you as well, you can only ever love Xanatos. I know you loved him like a son. I know you supposedly stopped doing that when he joined the Sith. Ha, now I know you didn't. How could I be so stupid to think that you could ever love me like you did him? I pity you. I shouldn't do really, but I'm not like you. I don't just stop loving people. Goodbye Master. Hopefully for you we'll never meet again. // 

Qui-Gon kept still. Now he really had been ripped apart. Obi-Wan had got it all wrong, he had totally misunderstood in the biggest way possible what had gone on, and what Qui-Gon almost had the guts to tell him. Obi-Wan had poured out his heart, but Qui-Gon didn't want to hear. He didn't want to admit he had just heard what he did. 

He put his head in his hands and wept. 

_What have I done?_

*** 

Obi-Wan was fuming. Shaking with rage, he couldn't believe that he had just been rejected by somebody who may as well be his own father. He broke down and cried. Sobs racked his body for hours before he finally cried himself to sleep. 

*** 

Yoda sat watching Master Jinn still. Judging from the emotions crashing around the Jedi's body, he thought he could probably make a good guess at what had happened. But still he approached the distraught Qui-Gon. 

"What happened, my former apprentice?" Qui-Gon looked up and took a deep breath. 

"I tried to explain. He asked what I had been distracted by and I simply said Xanatos. Before I could explain, he went into a rage about how…" Qui-Gon didn't need to finish. 

"Hmm. To be expected this was." Yoda nodded his head gravely. 

Qui-Gon knew Yoda still expected him to find the boy but he felt he could do nothing tonight. Yoda escorted Qui-Gon to his room, wearing a worried look on his face. Sighing, the ancient Master went off to meditate. 

*** 

_Even my own Master doesn't want me. Nobody wants me. I'm useless._

That thought had become a mantra for Obi-Wan in the last hour. He had sat there contemplating what to do. It had always came back to the mantra though. 

_Even my own Master doesn't want me. Nobody wants me. I'm useless._

Eyes wide, he stared at the lightsaber on the table. 

_There's no point. No point anymore._

Anybody looking at Obi-Wan right now would think he was mad. He certainly looked it. Rocking backwards and forwards a little, he clenched his fists. People with experience might realise that he was deeply traumatised and needed comforting. But Obi-Wan had no comfort right now. He just had one way out, and it wasn't a way you could undo and change your mind afterwards. 

He was still staring at the lightsaber. Like a ghost he stood and glided over to the desk. Picking up the lightsaber, he moved to the centre of the room. Motionless he repeated the mantra in his mind again. 

_Even my own Master doesn't want me. Nobody wants me. I'm useless._

Grasping the saber in his hand tightly, he ignited it. He heard that familiar hum of harnessed energy. The saber cast an ethereal blue glow about the room, causing shadows to flicker and dance before settling back into place and the hairs on his neck to bristle. He swung it around for a while. Secretly he loved doing that - when Obi-Wan was little he believed that it was hypnotic. Carefully bringing his arm up, he placed the beautiful yet lethal blade precisely so that the only obstacle in the way of it's swing was his neck. Another tear rolling down his tear stained cheeks, he paused, gathering courage for what he was about to do. Inhaling, he tensed every muscle in his body. Ignoring the force's agitation around him he repeated the mantra one last time. 

_Even my own Master doesn't want me. Nobody wants me. I'm useless._

Closing his eyes, he swung. 

*** 

A/N 

Ooooh I'm sooo horrible! One word, review! ^-^ 

I know some of you won't approve of me making Obi suicidal, and to be honest, neither do I in a way. I thought the concept would be, um, different to say the least. Original. And anyway, lets be realistic, he's a teenager in this story and so he views things in a way, for some people sometimes, would be totally inexplicable *grin* so things like this could affect you really badly. He loves Qui with all his heart remember. I mean, imagine yourself in his situation. Oh yeah, you don't know the situation yet *hits herself - musn't give away plot!* But think of the angst it can provide! Just thought I'd better explain myself before I get a barrage of emails complaining saying 'no! obi can't die!' hehe *-* 


	4. Traces

Oh my, thank you so much for all the lovely reviews, emails and compliments! I love you all! 

I am SO incredibly sorry it takes me so long to get new chapters up but I have a busy school life which doesn't allow a lot of time for story writing, no matter how much I love writing. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out where I'm going with this story and I think I know now. That might speed things a little. 

I have two weaknesses in writing. The first is if I don't write clearly, and the meaning of things can be lost and the reader loses all understanding of the story. I don't often do that, but it happens. So to hear Romanse say I was writing clearly overjoyed me, thank you ^-^ The second thing I do, which is far more common, is rush the ending, making the story way too short. The story just fades into something really low quality. I hate it when I do that, so because you all like this story loads I'm making sure I try to keep it good, and not condense the ending into one chapter or anything like that. That takes me time, which explains a little of why these chapters take so long in coming. Too long in coming. Please let me know if I'm doing either of those, or anything wrong, I won't hate you for it :) 

Just to clear something up, Anakin isn't born yet. It's just that some of you were emailing me elaborate theories about Anakin, Xanatos, and I think one even included Darth Maul 0.o 

You don't like cliffhangers? No way, everyone loves cliffhangers! I love them, and you'll find loads of them in anything I write. So those of you prone to heart attacks may not want to read any more of my writings... although I do like the power I have over all of you though *grins wickedly* 

**Hard to Break, Harder to Fix**  
_Traces_

- A few minutes earlier - 

Qui-Gon was finally asleep. He'd realised he should get some sleep so he could spend as long as possible looking for Obi-Wan tomorrow. That plan was all but ruined when the buzzer to his room sounded noisily. Qui-Gon moaned sleepily and glanced at the chrono. 

_11:37? What does somebody want this late at night?_

He got up groggily and opened the door. A boy, about Obi-Wan's age, stood in the doorway, a tentative expression on his face. 

"Um, I'm sorry to bother you so late at night Master Jinn but I, um," the boy stopped a moment, bracing himself for a possible unsympathetic reaction. 

Qui-Gon looked at the young apprentice through bleary eyes and cocked his head in consideration. 

"I recognise you - you're one of Obi's friends. Garen, isn't it?" The boy nodded. "I suppose you'd better come in then." 

Garen breathed a silent sigh of relief as he followed Qui-Gon into the room and sat down. 

"Obi didn't turn up for class today and I got worried because the Master who took us wouldn't tell us anything..." 

Qui-Gon nodded and sighed inwardly. He should have expected Obi-Wan's friends to be asking questions. He picked his words carefully, as not to worry Garen too much. He couldn't lie, Garen would only sense deception. 

"Obi-Wan's run away." Garen's eyes widened in astonishment. "This morning. He's..." Qui-Gon searched for an appropriate word, "annoyed with me. I spent today trying to talk to him but he just ignored me. I'm trying to find him again tomorrow." 

"But why - " Garen stopped mid sentence. He saw the crestfallen look on the Master's face and knew better than to ask more questions. He shook his head. "Never mind." 

Qui-Gon forced a weak smile. "I'll find him, don't worry." Feeling a sudden sense of paranoia, he gave an involuntary glimpse over his shoulder for no apparent reason. The force was disturbed, and in his mind it was screaming an incomprehensible warning at him. He looked at Garen; he obviously felt a little uneasy too. Little Garen couldn't be experiencing the same kind of foreboding dread as Qui-Gon though, nobody could be. Not even Yoda. Abruptly, as quickly as it came, the feeling left, but the force was still restless. Mystified, he pushed it to the back of his mind and carried on. 

"I'll let you know if anything hap- " The end of Qui-Gon's sentence was ripped from his mouth as a shattering bolt of pain cleaved it's way through his mind. Suddenly, he knew exactly what the force was trying to tell him moments ago. The realisation tore Qui-Gon's hope into shreds. He drew a sharp intake of breath, to compensate for the shock hitting him with the force of about 10 brick walls. He sank to his knees. 

Garen raised his eyebrows in concern. "Are you ok Master Jinn?" 

Qui-Gon could only manage a whisper. 

"Obi-Wan." 

*** 

Thump. 

Obi-Wan and the lightsaber fell to the floor. 

There they lay. 

Perfectly still. 

*** 

Hearing his friend's name, Garen knew something was wrong. And judging by the tremor in the force and Qui-Gon's reaction, something was really wrong. 

"Master? Master Jinn? What's happened? What's happened to Obi?" 

Qui-Gon raised his head and looked dismally at Garen. 

"You don't want to know," he whispered. 

A scared look ran across Garen's face as he quickly thought of all the possibilities. Well, most of the possibilities. Some he didn't even want to think about. 

Qui-Gon stood, grabbed a warmer robe, slipped it on a flew for the door, leaving Garen alone with his assumptions. He quietly got up but he was still ridden with worry. He heard his Master's composed but concerned voice ring out in his head. 

// Garen? Is everything ok? You seem upset. // 

// Something really bad has happened to Obi-Wan. // 

When he got back to his room, it took a powerful force induced sleep from his Master to stop Garen from blinking back torrents of anxious tears. 

*** 

Grief-stricken, Qui-Gon ran to a small speeder and jumped in. At least he knew where Obi-Wan was now. Qui-Gon had quickly realised that if some emotion had got through the bond to him, then Obi-Wan's shields must be down or weakened. Sure enough, during the massive shock he received whilst talking to Garen, he found Obi-Wan's shields had gone, so he could easily work out where Obi-Wan was. Or at least, what was left of Obi-Wan. 

To his relief, it was only a 5 minute speeder journey from the temple. 

He reached through the bond quickly again, now he had time to ascertain more than just a location. To his alarm, he could feel nothing. He accelerated the speeder. 

A small ripple in the force told Qui-Gon that he had arrived. Obviously the remnants of the massive shock triggered by Obi-Wan. He looked briefly at the small building in front of him. 'Pexin's Mote' was spelt out in a green neon sign - the 'l' on the end of the sign had fizzled out, making it kind of odd to read. He cautiously walked inside and found himself at a small bar. Dim spotlights illuminated assorted tables with various different species sitting at them. A little stage was at the back of the room. Currently performing were a group of dancers - unfortunately for them they weren't receiving a good reception from the crowd, who were getting better entertainment from throwing things at them than watching the dancing. It wouldn't be long before one of the dancers would be leaving the stage bleeding heavily. The motel bar wasn't very busy, so it was easy to find the owner - a stubby humanoid with a scowl on his face. Qui-Gon approached him. 

"Excuse me? You must be Pexin?" 

"What's it to you?" came the raspy reply. 

Qui-Gon calmly carried on, remarkably patient considering. He knew he had to control himself. "I'm looking for somebody. Can you help me?" 

Pexin gave an irritable reply. "No I can't. I don't know where your bleedin' lost puppy or missin' sister is ok?" 

Qui-Gon quaked with anger. The picture of a smiling, happy Obi-Wan kept haunting him, raking up even more regret and remorse. Struggling to keep his voice steady and calm he said, "Have you got any teenage humans staying here currently?" 

Pexin narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Yeah loads, they're meh biggest customers." 

"Any unusual ones? People you don't see often? Say, a Jedi?" Qui-Gon knew this wasn't the best approach by far, but he had to work as quickly as possible. 

Pexin became visibly even more suspicious. He looked warily at the characteristic Jedi robes Qui-Gon was sporting and picked his reply accordingly. 

"S'none of your business." 

Qui-Gon rolled his eyes. He didn't have time for this. Lifting his hand ever so slightly he said, "Oh, but you don't understand." 

A glazed look filled Pexin's eyes. "I don't understand." 

"I have to find this person urgently" 

"You have to find this person urgently," he said flatly. 

"You will let me look at your record of the people currently staying." 

"I will let you look at the record of people staying." Pexin got a large looking datapad from underneath the bar and handed it to Qui-Gon, still with a dazed look on his face. 

Qui-Gon hurriedly scanned the page for any trace of Obi-Wan. He stopped at the most likely looking entry. 

_Ben Kenobi | room 17_

Wasting no time, he raced up the stairs. The room was locked, but not locked in any way the force couldn't deal with. The door swung open in a moment's work and Qui-Gon braced himself for what might be a horrifying sight. 

"Padawan..." 

*** 

A/N  
Remember Jedi Masters, Knights and Padawans, your duty is to protect the galaxy, do cool stunts using the force and lightsabers, and review after every chapter ^-^ 

By the way, next chapter will be up tomorrow (Sunday) because you are all lovely people :) 


	5. Revelation

Thank you all again for all the lovely things you've said but I would like to talk to some people personally... 

Ex-Instructor Quistis Trepe: Hey, tomorrow is a good time for me, considering how long it normally takes me to upload the next chapter (a fortnight or thereabouts)! *grins* Okay okay I couldn't resist! It goes up today, seeing as I've written this chapter already. Be grateful for this, young man! I put this up like 12 hours early for you! 

Bounty Man II: In reply to your email, yes. I did have to make Garen suffer too. Nobody escapes the might of angst! 

Padawan Jess Kenobi: *uses mind trick* You will not use mind tricks on jedi monkey. 

Jedi7: That's very blunt of you! 

Ex-Instructor Quistis Trepe: Yeah, you again. Feel priveliged ^-^ What's your name all about? Just feeling curious and ignorant. 

Everyone: *uses various mind tricks* Cliffhangers are good things. I am not evil. You will keep reading. You will give me nice reviews. *grin* 

You think the last chapter was bad? Well, just you wait and see what I do next, the hint's in the chapter name I suppose *cackles evilly* Perhaps I was too harsh in this chapter... 

And how can I be evil? I spent half the night writing this for you guys *cries* 

**Hard to Break, Harder to Fix**  
_Revelation_

Qui-Gon saw a quivering wreck in the corner of the room, curled up in the foetal position beside an unignited lightsaber. Qui-Gon could speculate what had happened. Obi-Wan had bottled out at the last second and powered the saber down before it could do any harm. That wasn't important now though. 

"Thank force you're alive!" Qui-Gon kneeled by his shattered apprentice and cradled him gently in his arms. A quick check with the force told him that Obi-Wan wasn't hurt except for a massive bruise on his hip. _Must have been from that speeder accident._ He sensed it was giving Obi-Wan a lot of pain, so he rummaged through his bag quickly for a spare bacta patch. Obi-Wan rolled over and met his Master's eyes. 

"You." 

Qui-Gon stared. Obi-Wan's face was the picture of fury. The Padawan pulled away from his Master's grasp and backed away. 

"Come to taunt me some more have you?" snarled Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon shook his head helplessly. 

"I'm trying to help you." 

"Ha. Bit late for that now." Obi-Wan turned and left. The bacta patch fluttered from Qui-Gon's hand as Obi-Wan slammed the door. Snatching it back, Qui-Gon quickly got up to follow him. 

He called down the stairs. "Padawan, listen to me..." 

"Why should I?" 

"Because I care about you." 

Obi-Wan turned around and studied Qui-Gon's expression before going down the last few steps. 

"No you don't." 

"Never underestimate for a second how much I'd have missed you if you'd gone through with that. My life would have been empty." 

"Well my life is empty!" 

They were in the bar now, but they both ignored the stares their argument was attracting. The unpopular dancers from earlier used the diversion to get away as quickly as they could. Obi-Wan still headed outside. 

"Why is it empty Padawan?" he probed in a gentler tone. 

Obi-Wan turned around and glared. 

"Because of YOU. A year ago I wouldn't have even thought of leaving you. But now I know I'm not wanted..." 

"Obi you ARE wanted," Qui-Gon pleaded. 

Obi-Wan stopped and stared beseechingly at his Master. Qui-Gon couldn't help but notice that Obi-Wan's eyes were glassy, filled with tears he didn't want to shed in front of Qui-Gon. 

"Then why did you act like you did?" 

Obi-Wan's voice was pleading with Qui-Gon for an explanation, any explanation, so he could understand and go back to the temple and be happy again, be with his Master again. 

"Because I... didn't have my priorities right." 

"Too right. You were too busy thinking about your beloved Xanatos to care about me." 

Before Qui-Gon could think of a justifying reply, his apprentice had climbed into a taxi and was speeding into the distance. 

"OBI-WAN!!!!!" he bellowed, but he was too far away to hear. The echoes faded into nothing, just like the taxi blended into the traffic. 

"You don't understand." 

The whisper fell into the wind, along with a single tear shed by a weary Master's eye. 

*** 

Another mind trick, another motel room. 

Finally in privacy, Obi-Wan threw himself onto the bed and buried his face into the pillow. Sleep wouldn't come easily tonight, even though it was already in the small hours of the morning. 

Only now did the stresses of the past day lean onto Obi-Wan. That speeder accident this morning seemed like a century ago to a mind which had suffered too much over the past 24 hours, let alone the last six months. Obi-Wan closed his eyes and drifted into the force, attempting to purge himself of the memories of today. Well, he could never purge the memories, just bury them into his subconscious self as far as he could, and hope that they would never return to terrorise him again. He couldn't start a new life with so much distress flowing freely through his mindset. 

After an hour, (or was it more? Time had lost all meaning now…) he opened his eyes. The meditation seemed to have worked quite effectively. The only thing that constantly reminded him of that speeder accident now was his bruise. The memory of the suicide attempt had all but gone for the moment, and the well renowned galaxy famous Jedi control held a new place of respect in Obi-Wan's mind. He was calm, unnaturally so for all what had happened to him that night. 

_Now I might actually get some sleep._

*** 

Qui-Gon had been sitting on a box outside Pexin's Motel for a while now. He needed time to collect his thoughts. There was no point really though, different thoughts kept invading his head every second which led him into a state of utter confusion and helplessness. Two simple thoughts were all he could distinguish from the smeared blur that was his mind now. 

_What am I going to do? _

I wish Obi were here with me. 

*** 

* Never underestimate for a second how much I'd have missed you if you'd gone through with that. * 

Obi-Wan tossed again. Every time he drifted into a peaceful sleep all he could hear was his Master's voice resonating through his head, quoting from the two conversations they had yesterday. Now dawn's rosy fingers had crept above the skyline of Coruscant, there wasn't a lot of point in trying to sleep. _And besides,_ resolved Obi-Wan, _I have to work out what I'm going to do next_. He yawned and tried to ignore the pain that came with everything he thought about. 

He looked at his belongings spread out on a desk briefly. Noticing that his Jedi robes were all the clothes he had, he frowned. They were too noticeable. For the moment, he put them on, having nothing else to wear. He would have to get some new clothes though. In fact, he would have to get rid of everything that looked even remotely Jedi. Apart from his lightsaber, there would be hardly anything he could keep. He glanced across the room and into the mirror. He got up and slowly walked over to it, gazing deep into his reflection. He moved a hand to touch his Padawan braid. That would have to go too. Obi-Wan watched a tear fall down his cheek before moving away from the mirror. Cutting that braid would mean cutting away his Jedi life forever. 

*** 

"So, do you think you can do it?" 

"I can do anything for the right price." 

The dark corner in the bar of Obi-Wan's newest motel was a favourite meeting place for the shadier characters of Coruscant. This meeting was no exception. A wealthy slave trader and a bounty hunter are definitely considered to be shady in most minds. If you ever wanted a price put on anyone's head, this was the place to come, and that slave trader knew it. Right now he was requesting the untimely death of a member of the Senate. 

"Oh, don't you worry about money. You'll get that all in good time." 

The bounty hunter's eyes narrowed, trusting nobody. 

"I don't do any jobs without some money upfront." 

"Well I don't give any money before a job is completed." 

The bounty hunter scowled but their attention was distracted before he could reply. The slave trader looked around anxiously at the sight of Obi-Wan coming down the stairs. 

"Look, a Jedi, they're onto us…" 

"Ssh," he hissed, afraid that the Jedi would notice them, "it's only a Padawan, and a young one too." 

"Yes but Padawans only follow their Masters." 

The two exchanged a worried glance. 

"Take him out." 

"What? You're only paying me for the Senator..." 

"Yeah yeah you'll get paid for him too. I just don't want any Jedi prowling around." 

The bounty hunter threw a glance sideways at the Jedi apprentice, who was now sitting at the bar. He shook his head. 

"Jedi, they're a nuisance to dispose of." 

"I'll give you extra than the normal price." 

The bounty hunter's eyes met the trader's. 

"But still, I may not manage - " 

"You will. You're a resourceful man." 

The bounty hunter sighed, knowing he might lose the Senator contract if he didn't agree. 

"Ok, deal. Now lets talk figures." 

The hunter wasn't really listening to the trader's offers. He asked just to make it look like that they were having a chat to the rest of the motel's customers. His eyes were following Obi-Wan everywhere, waiting for a chance to strike. He formed a plan quickly in his head and left the trader talking to himself. 

*** 

Obi-Wan was too dazed to take any notice of anything at the moment. Vaguely remembering his Master's advice to never drink anything blue in a Coruscant bar, he groaned. Maybe he should have taken more heed. He thanked the force he'd only had three shot glasses of the stuff though, instinct telling him that any more would probably have sent him into a coma. 

Still, he managed to turn his head enough to see a tall, burly man come towards him. His mind too intoxicated to process information quickly enough, the next thing Obi-Wan saw was a fist. The world turned into shades of misty red and grey, which is never a good sign. The blow threw him off his seat. Fumbling for his saber, Obi-Wan tried to concentrate enough to try to use the force to identify the man. It was no use, the force didn't even seem to be there. The force wasn't the only thing missing, so was his lightsaber. Puzzled and confused, Obi-Wan picked himself off the floor only to be punched back down again, powerless to do anything. The world was spinning more than before, and eventually it whirled into darkness. Before his mind fell into a total unconscious stupor, Obi-Wan wondered why he wasn't fighting better. He could guess at a few reasons before his head made a sickening crack against the stone floor. Whether it was his injuries or the alcohol that caused him to pass out though, is a different question entirely. 

*** 

A/N  
Ok, I'm starting to see a pattern here. I'm leaving you with way too many 'is Obi dead?' cliffies. I make it 4 out of 4 chapters now. Eep. I'm starting to feel guilty for what I'm doing to my poor little Obi. I'll have to write a really nice, happy story for him next. Perhaps a romance. Yeah, a nice mushy romance. 

And yes, before you ask, I did get Obi leathered on cheap booze for my own ongoing amusement. It's late ok? And I have weird ways of entertaining myself. Anyways, there's more to that than meets the eye ;) 

Keep with me, the next chapter answers a lot of questions ;) 


	6. Survival

Yup me again! 3 updates in 2 days. You lucky devils. I can't stop writing this story *feels chained to her computer* 

*gasps happily* Oh my gosh I'm on the favourite author/story lists of people!! *faints* Thank you! And thanks to all those who've left reviews. Especially if you've left more than one. Nice to see you're sticking with me on this roller coaster ride of a story ^-^ 

More guilt for Qui you say? Coming right up! Can't let somebody hurt my favourite film character and get away scot-free... 

**Hard to Break, Harder to Fix**  
_Survival_

The bartender had seen enough. He was used to pub brawls but this was clearly way past that. One look at the attacker and victim told it all. Bounty hunters never did like Jedi. Well, nobody in this part of Coruscant liked Jedi, there were seen as 'no good meddlers', well, give or take a swear word or three. 

This one was only young though, so the bartender took pity. Nobody as young as that, Jedi or no Jedi, deserved to have their head kicked in. Whipping out a blaster and aiming at the bounty hunter, the attacker was on the floor dead within seconds. Years of drunken fights had made him a crack shot with a blaster, so it was no miracle that he only needed two shots. He turned his attention to the boy lying on the floor. 

"Hey kid," he said to the teenager's unhearing ears whilst shaking him violently, "wake up will ya?" 

Maybe this was more serious than he thought. 

*** 

Yoda carefully navigated his levitating chair down the winding corridors of the Jedi Temple, being mindful of the tall figure of Mace next to him. Both walked (and floated) in a silence uncanny for two who knew each other so well. Neither spoke until they had reached the threshold of Master Jinn. 

"Oh, Master Yoda and Master Mace, come in." 

Qui-Gon could already sense an atmosphere of sadness which immediately made him feel even worse. And that was before he noticed the serious appearance shared by both the Masters' faces. 

Mace looked at Yoda uneasily and began. 

"Look, I'm going to be straight with you Qui. Obi, he's here." 

Qui-Gon's face lit into an maelstrom of emotions he couldn't begin to express through facial expression. 

"In the temple? Where?" The eagerness in his voice was evident, making it hard for Mace to retain the composure in his own voice. 

"Floating in a bacta tank." 

Qui-Gon refused to believe it. His Obi, hurt, no. It couldn't be. He looked at Yoda, eyes wild, hoping he would disprove what Mace had said. Yoda just looked down. Mace continued. 

"He came in at about midday yesterday. He wasn't in a good way. Word says he was attacked." 

"Attacked?" Qui-Gon whispered. This was becoming less and less realistic to him by the second. 

"He's doing well, he should be coming out of the tank soon." 

Qui-Gon wiped his mind clear, shaking his head furiously in disbelief. "Can I see him?" 

Mace nodded and Qui-Gon fell into step behind his old friend. 

*** 

The sweet yet sickly smell of bacta greeted Obi-Wan's reawakened senses in a rushing wave as he strained to open his eyes. The healers room, what was he doing here? And in the Jedi Temple of all places? Thinking carefully, he tried to recall what had happened to him to launch him into a healer's ward. With a low groan he remembered snippets of what happened at the bar and shifted uncomfortably to look at the person next to him. Even if he still couldn't really see properly he knew there was only one short green Jedi Master in the Temple. He smiled weakly. 

"Hello Master Yoda." 

"Padawan Kenobi, lightens my heart it does to see you well." The rare smile that escaped Yoda's face was wholly genuine. 

"I don't feel well," muttered Obi-Wan. Yoda chuckled. 

"Many injuries have you. Lucky to be alive you are." 

Obi-Wan's head pounded with every word either of them spoke, hindering his ability to think. Common sense came to him at last as he realised that if he was back in the Jedi Temple, his Master would be around somewhere. He drew up the force to check the building. To his dismay, the force wasn't there. 

"The force..." 

"Gone it is for you. Laced your drink was. Force blocker," Yoda nodded sagely, "but always there the force is. Back it will be soon." 

Obi-Wan nodded. Some kind of force sedative, that made sense. That's why he couldn't identify that man in the bar. His thoughts returned to why he wanted to use the force in the first place. 

"Master Qui - " 

Yoda had already predicted the next question. "Outside." 

"I don't wanna see him," he mumbled, rolling over and turning away from Yoda. Yoda wasn't going to give that easily however. 

"He's been waiting outside ever since we told him you were here," said a new voice. It was one of the healers. "We told him that there was no point in watching a bacta tank but he wouldn't leave. Been here the whole day he has, oh and all of last night. Must really like you." She nodded at the truth in her own words and carried on clearing various medical instruments away. Yoda smiled. He couldn't have put it better himself. Obi-Wan paused. The whole day and last night? 

"How long have I been here?" he asked. 

"Since yesterday afternoon dear. You weren't too great either. Be grateful for the existence of bacta tanks otherwise you may not have survived the night. Nasty bump to the head you had. We were all worried about you. Well everyone in the ward that is. Nobody else knows 'cept your Master and Masters Yoda and Mace." On the mention of Yoda's name she realised she'd rudely interrupted him. Blushing furiously she said, "Sorry, got carried away there." 

Yoda smiled again. He didn't mind at all. Maybe the truth coming from an ordinary stranger might affect Obi-Wan more. He looked at Obi-Wan again, who looked stunned. 

"He was outside… all the time?" he croaked, thinking that Qui-Gon didn't care about him enough to sit outside the healer's ward for the best part of a day. Yoda simple nodded. 

"Wants to talk he does. Do well you would to listen." 

"But I've heard all he has to say," answered Obi-Wan somewhat defiantly. He desperately wanted everything to be back to normal. He wanted to be happy again but all his happiness depended solely on his Master being with him, and Obi-Wan was of the opinion that Qui-Gon didn't want that. 

"Ah," said Yoda, an enigmatic look in his eyes, "but listen did you to what was not said?" 

Yoda turned and left the room without another word. Obi-Wan sighed. He should've expected at least one baffling riddle. 

*** 

Qui-Gon rose from his seat as soon as he saw Yoda leave the room. Yoda waved his hand impatiently, bidding his old apprentice to sit. 

"How is he Master?" 

"Well enough." 

"Is he awake?" 

Yoda nodded. The short vague replies were making Qui-Gon irritable, he wanted to know everything possible. 

"Can I see him?" 

Yoda pondered. "Let you talk he will, but wary you must be." 

Qui-Gon sighed, hoping to let some of the strain and worry out. "Master, I have known you for practically all my life but I will never understand you when you talk in those riddles of yours." 

Yoda smiled. "An old Jedi proverb there is. Strong bond exists between Master and Padawan. Hard to break it is, yet even harder to fix." He began his slow way back to the Jedi Council rooms, secretly confident. 

Qui-Gon stared at the door, thinking of things he could possibly say to somebody whose life had almost ended because of his actions. He'd been sitting in this little waiting room for almost 24 hours and with each passing minute he felt more disgusted with himself for not preventing everything that had happened. He had failed Obi-Wan yet again. 

*** 

Obi-Wan eased himself into a sitting position slowly. He still felt relatively numb from his hours in the bacta tank, but wasn't relishing the forthcoming delayed arrival of the pain. Feeling stiff, he gazed around the room. The force sedative was gradually wearing off, and now he could feel all the force signatures in the room. He relaxed a little. Having the force with him for the previous 13 years of his life and then having it snatched away, even only temporarily, was frightening, so it was comforting now that it was back in all its nurturing glory. 

He heard the door creak open. Obi-Wan held his breath, he didn't need to glance over to see who had entered. He'd know that force signature anywhere. He downcast his eyes as that ever familiar presence approached and sat next to him. 

Qui-Gon stared helplessly in horror. He blamed himself for every cut and bruise that marred his poor little Obi-Wan's skin. The bitter taste of guilt filled him until he was ready to explode, if only he could out things right. Not being able to hold back, he moved a hand to Obi-Wan's face and whispered "Oh my Padawan, what have I done?" Obi-Wan sharply turned his head away from his Master's touch, staying silent. Tears pricked Qui-Gon's eyes. No, Obi was right. He had no right to even be near him after what he had done. 

"Obi-Wan, are you listening?" 

He didn't look up. He didn't move a muscle. 

"Obi, please just listen. I know I've let you down. I know I can't make it up to you but at least let me explain myself. I never got to do that. You said you wanted to know what was wrong? Well it was that mission, on Tattooine. You always asked what happened but I never told you. I regret that now." 

Obi-Wan's mind raced. Could this be what Yoda meant about his Master not telling him everything? Maybe, just maybe if he heard him out, everything could be ok again. Obi-Wan nodded once, but still didn't look up. Qui-Gon took a deep breath, and began. 

*** 

A/N  
It's a miracle! Wonder Obi survives again! Hallelujah!  
*ahem*  
At the beginning of the story you all wanted to know what's up with Qui and all about this weird Tattooine mission that seemed to be the cause. Well, next chapter is the full story of Tattooine as told by Qui ^-^ I bet you all forgot about Tattooine with Obi's life hanging in the balance so much... 


	7. Tatooine

I'm trying to put as much of this fic up before I go back to school on Wednesday. Enjoy the frequency of posts while it lasts. You might not get anything else for a while, I have a load of Art GCSE coursework to do. Then again, you might get something tomorrow. 

I have two long speeches today, one for Neniae and one for all of you. (Well, a long review deserves a long reply ;) 

Neniae: Don't worry, Obi's life isn't going to be threatened any more in this fic. The guilt's caught up on me. You like the bucketloads of angst? Good good. You've been inspired by lil' ole me? Wow, thanks! I'm glad you like the detail in the characters. Yes, I'm continuing and you're definitely going to see more fics from me, mostly Qui/Obi: the pre TPM years. I should start a series *grin* Fire you say? I was actually going to burn down the motel Obi got beaten up in and have him seriously burned instead of beaten up, but the beating up idea seemed a bit more realistic I suppose. Also, I was going to have Qui kidnapped by somebody seeking revenge (you'd get an idea of who from this chapter) and have Obi torn between helping him or abandoning him. 'Twas an interesting idea, but not one I wanted to persue. More depressing stuff? No, I think I've done enough to him. To both of them actually, as you'll soon find out. But I think the issue now is forgiveness no? Thanks for the review, 'preciate much ^-^ 

Everyone: Okays, this whole chapter is just Qui rambling, so ignore the lack of speech marks. A Qui POV, if you like. Hopefully this'll make Qui's suffering in chapters 1 + 2 a little clearer, and soften up those of you who think Qui was totally out of order. Oh, and it'll explain those weird flashbacks in chapter 2. By the way, this chapter treads the very fine line between R and PG13. Just warning. 

Note to self: I *will* learn how to spell Tat(t)ooine after I've done this fic. Ah who cares. 

**Hard to Break, Harder to Fix**  
_Tatooine_

Do you remember that mission I had on Tatooine about half a year ago? Well, it seemed pretty straightforward. I simply had to investigate some mysterious disappearances. I know people go missing on Tatooine all the time but the council sensed something odd about these ones. I thought it was just run of the mill, and it would be over quickly. 

Remember how at the last minute I told you that you couldn't come along? I know how disappointed you were then. I could feel it, and it hurt me so much to leave you behind. But it wasn't my fault. The night before we were due to leave Master Yoda came to see me. He said he had sensed great danger in this mission, but he couldn't see what. He warned me to be on my guard, and absolutely forbade me to take you. I didn't believe him at first. Sure, Tatooine was dangerous but nothing two Jedi couldn't handle. Believe me Obi, I tried. I tried so hard to bring you with me. I was literally begging him to let you come. He wouldn't give in. Stubborn troll. 

Anyway, when I got there I dug into it and discovered that most of the people who had gone were force sensitive and mainly were all children. Naturally, I got suspicious. It was probably no coincidence that all the victims were young force sensitives. I tried to find out where this kidnapper was based, and where he was hiding all these children. Eventually after about a week I tracked it down to a small hideout in the middle of one of the deserts. It had originally been used by the sand people, but was obsolete until now. I went inside. 

You... you couldn't possibly understand the... atmosphere that hit you as you walked inside that building. Its... it was... overwhelming. The force, it was screaming at me. This place was... evil. As I walked around I thought it was almost going to tear me apart. It was so hard, so hard to stay focused with the force churning around me like it was. It unnerved me. I was scared Obi. 

There were rooms, loads and loads of rooms. There was no way I could check them all. I tried using the force but it was too turbulent. I kept walking. I came to the outside of one of the rooms and there was a massive surge of life energy. So much, I could hardly think. I went in and saw these children. All so young. So, so young. Mostly toddlers but some were even babies. Some didn't even look a year old. They were all asleep. I couldn't understand it. They were all force sensitive, how could they not hear the noise. The awful noise. The youngest initiate in the Temple would have sensed at least something in there. I looked around some more. The kids seemed to be in the care of some droids, but the droids ignored me. There was a cabinet on one of the walls. In it was medicine. I took a closer look. All force supressant sedatives. I assumed these kids were being... stored. Stored for what I didn't even want to think. I couldn't cope in there any more. I left. 

I found myself back on what seemed to be the main corridor. I walked some more, what else could I do? I couldn't get all those kids out on my own. I still had to find the kidnapper. So I kept walking. Some parts of this corridor were so dimly lit you could hardly see. It seemed neverending. 

The force didn't get any calmer. As I passed another room, there was a piercing shriek of horror from the force. It sounded like, like a cry for... I don't know. I flung open the door. There were more droids. And a kid. A poor kid. They were torturing him Obi. Torturing an innocent toddler who couldn't... couldn't... 

The droids turned to me. They tried to get me. I just slashed them with my saber. I didn't even want to look at the torture weapons they were wielding. The kid, he was still breathing. I picked him up. He was so frail, ever so frail. Oozed talent in the force. From what I could guess, he must have purged that sedative without knowing or something. I don't know. It didn't matter. He was only trying to save himself. And he'd suffered for it. The poor kid. Judging by his appearance, he'd been starved. He was barely recognisable as human. He still lived though, still hung on. His breathing, it was... was... painful. He looked up at me. His eyes, they were... deep... so penetrating... like pools of midnight. They looked at me for a few seconds then shut. He'd died... gone in my arms. 

There was more, but there's no way... just not any words to describe it. I couldn't take much more of this. The trauma was too much. Way too much. Something was playing around in my mind. Another presence... I could feel it. 

The restless force seemed to culminate around a stone archway down a narrow corridor leading off the main one. Like a vortex, an eddy. I walked under the arch to find myself in a large hall of some kind. The head of this whole scheme was standing right in the middle of it. 

Xanatos. 

You said to me Obi, the other day, that I loved Xanatos like a son. You were right, I did. That's why it hurt so much to see him turn. Somebody you've given your love and protection to for years just betrays you and everything you taught them. It leaves a pit, a big pit inside you and you blame yourself. It consumes you until somebody makes you see that it wasn't your fault. Three people did that for me. Yoda, Mace and you. Mostly the arrival of you Obi. Taking you as a Padawan was the best thing I've ever done in my life. It made me realise just how stupid I was being, blaming myself for everything. 

It's hard getting out of a void like that though. You're left a different person, a better person, but you still bear the scars. Seeing Xanatos there ripped those scars open again. Things were happening so quickly I... I... just felt so confused. All this emotion flying at you relentlessly, bad memories, stray thoughts. It was hard. Heck it was hard Obi and I hope to Force that you will never ever have to experience anything like it. 

He grinned at me. An evil, twisted grin. Told me he was expecting me. Told me that he was looking forward to seeing his old Master again. He told me how he had a new Master now, but was ready for his own apprentice now. That's what the children were for. He was testing them to see which one would be the strongest Sith lord in the future. 

It sickened me. He was trying to... to... 

The anger I felt, it was huge. It took so much control not to fly at him now and end this nightmare once and for all. But no, I wasn't going to be like him. I wasn't going to let go of the beliefs I'd been taught all my life. The control though, it wavered every time I thought of those poor kids being moulded into something unspeakably evil. 

He said he wasn't going to choke me, zap me with dark force lightning or anything like that. No. He said he wanted to duel me. One on one. I had to agree, at least then I possibly wouldn't die and maybe I could find a way to escape and free those poor children. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave you alone Obi. 

So he pulled out his saber. A red one now, of course. It appalled me to think that I was the one who taught him how to spar with a lightsaber and now he was using it all against me. 

He was teasing me. I could see it in his eyes. He could've ended that fight, there and then. He didn't. It went on and on. I was getting so tired, so so tired... and he knew it. He kept giving me these... giving me... cruel smiles and taunting me with phrases like 'Can't remember how to fight, Master?'. I tried, I tried my very best to ignore him. He was in my head. He was the presence in my mind earlier. He was using the dark side to manipulate my thoughts, tear me in two, anything... anything to hurt me. 

He kept taunting. 'Love me too much to kill me?' That really, really hurt. The idea of loving such a... a... twisted... a... 

Whilst he was teasing me I swung my saber... the saber the other way. He wasn't anticipating it. It killed him. 

I killed him. 

I could only stand there. I stared but I couldn't see. Force knows how long I just... 

The blame, it came back. I kept saying to myself that if Xanatos hadn't turned then this wouldn't have happened. Nobody would have died. Not Xanatos, not the little boy earlier, not... 

If I'd done this to Xanatos, I was... so afraid, so incredibly afraid you were gonna do the same thing. I thought I was a bad Master. 

You're light Obi. So purely and innocently light. Now I'd thought I'd tainted you, helped you to go the way of Xanatos. I couldn't live with myself. I thought that maybe if I gave you up now, so you could get a new Master, everything would be ok, you wouldn't turn, it wouldn't be too late. But I still couldn't live a life without you in it. It was... just... was confusing. 

Yoda said that whatever Xanatos had done to my mind was causing all the mental fights inside me about what to do. He and Mace convinced me again that I was a good Master, and that I had done no wrong. I told myself that I wasn't gonna abandon you ever. 

The nightmare though... it kept coming. Visions, flashbacks. Filled my head so much I couldn't think straight. As a result I ended up doing the one thing I'd set out not to do. Neglect you. Abandon you. Leave you alone. 

I wanted to tell you, force I wanted to tell you Obi but I couldn't bring myself to. This nightmare convinced me that you wouldn't understand. It told me that you'd leave me for another Master. Everything was against me Obi. But that's no excuse. 

Obi, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry Obi for everything I put you through. I can't even begin to think of what you thought of... of... me... and yourself... 

I'll never stop loving you Obi. Never. You're the son I never had. More than that. I care so much about you Obi. Just remember that. No matter what. Never. 

I'll understand if you never want to see me again. 

I'll understand. 

Just never forget Obi. 

Never forget how much I love you. 

Never. 

*** 

A/N  
It's not like Qui to say all this, and talk in such a way, but I was trying to show you how upset and vulnerable he was by his speech alone. No description, no italics, no nothing. I hope I succeeded. You wanna criticise, go right ahead. 

I apologise to you all. Heavy chapter. Some of that wasn't very nice, and I've left both you and myself thoroughly depressed now. 

Maybe now we all know how Qui felt. 


	8. Exoneration

I thank you all **so** much for all the lovely things you've said. I really appreciate it, way more than you could ever imagine. This is the last chapter and I'm sorry you had a bit of a longer wait. I pour my own feelings and emotions into my stories, and the last chapter was very draining. Also had issues with the internet, and was trying to make my website *sigh* It's getting there... 

To the minority of readers sending me horrible emails saying how the previous chapter was rubbish (to use a lighter word) and nothing like Qui, I simply ask you to read Obi's musings below, especially paragraph 3. Well, it's my philosophy really, but I put it into the mind of Obi. I put my own philosophy into everything I write, I should really stop doing that O.o And anyway, I liked the way Qui fell deeper and deeper into a pit of emotion as the chapter progressed. 

Obi, drunk, fun? *nods enthusiastically* Yes, here's somebody else who understands! *grins wickedly at Quistis Trepe* 

*** 

_There is no reason to feel bad.   
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad.   
It's just a bunch of feelings that we have   
To hold, but I am here to help you with the load._  
-Travis, Flowers in the Window 

**Hard to Break, Harder to Fix**  
_Exoneration_

Qui-Gon's voice faltered into nothing, he couldn't say any more. He hadn't looked at Obi-Wan once during his story, it was the only way he could keep going. Even now he didn't look at the teenager beside him to whom he was devoted. 

Obi-Wan hadn't looked up either. It had taken every ounce of all the Jedi control he possessed to fix his eyes downwards, but no amount of control stopped the tears trickling down his bruised cheeks. As Qui-Gon's tale had unfolded, every phrase had battered him into a deeper state of shock. Every shred of pain Qui-Gon had weaved involuntarily into his words Obi-Wan felt. The whole story had viciously kicked all the breath, thought and speech out of him, leaving him totally empty. The overwhelming sense of bewilderment that had struck him still lingered as Obi-Wan tried to think about everything he'd just heard. Different feelings held siege to him on all fronts. A revived sense of bitterness for the evil that was Xanatos, revulsion at the whole scheme to train toddlers as Sith, enormous pity for... 

Obi-Wan glanced briefly up to see his Master, head in hands. He could sense the pain, hurt, distress, worry and countless other emotions raging around Qui-Gon's body. Obi-Wan shivered. He'd never seen his Master like this before, and thought he probably never would again. He didn't want to again. He never wanted his Master to experience that scale of psychological injury ever again. It scared him. All his life he had viewed Qui-Gon as invincible, totally immune to anything that may hurt. That image was now shattered and Obi-Wan was flung into reality, into the realisation that Jedi can hide feeling, but can't stop feeling. The whole situation reminded him that being Jedi didn't mean that you were seperate from everyone else because you were too surperiorly powerful to feel simple things such as anger. Being Jedi just means that you can cloak yourself in a shroud of protection, stopping these emotions from being visible. Simply being Jedi doesn't stop those emotions coming into existence, or make them go away. Underneath it all, you are still human, Twi'lek, Corellian or whatever else, still a living breathing individual with a soul that was created to feel, even if you hide it or try to deny it. The composed Jedi exterior is just a coat of paint over the real you, a mask created in your own design, preventing anybody from seeing that you really are an actual person. Obi-Wan bowed his head again, not finding any words capable of expressing what he felt, nor finding any appropriate words to say to the man next to him. 

Qui-Gon wiped another tear from his eyes and looked at Obi-Wan. Immediately he felt a pang of guilt at himself for letting Obi-Wan get into such a state. How he longed for none of this to have happened. How he wished he'd forseen all this. It wasn't all his fault; how can you see when you are blinded by fear? Deciding that Obi-Wan needed time to think, he gathered up his robes and swept towards the door, not having the courage to stay any longer. 

Obi-Wan snapped his head up in panic as he felt Qui-Gon leave. No, this isn't what he wanted. Only the other day he was desperate for an excuse to forgive his Master and return to normal. Now he had an explanation, and understood everything that had happened over the past six months, not holding any blame against Qui-Gon. So why was he letting him leave? Growling inwardly at himself, he removed every shield closing the bond he shared with Qui-Gon and let everything he felt flow. 

Qui-Gon deftly tapped in the sequence to open the ward's doors. He stopped mid-sequence as he felt that presence he yearned for in his mind again. He filled with joy, drinking in the very essence of Obi-Wan. He had thought he would never feel the pure force signature of his Padawan in his mind again. Now it was here, he wanted to scream with happiness. He felt like all the demons had been exorcised from his mind, leaving him free again. He spun round. 

Obi-Wan looked earnestly at Qui-Gon, silently begging him not to leave him alone. Their eyes met and Qui-Gon slowly edged back to Obi-Wan's bedside. He didn't need begging. Obi-Wan felt Qui-Gon timidly touch the bond and sent waves of reassurance. 

// Master, don't abandon me. // 

// I would never leave you Obi-Wan. // 

// You almost did six months ago. // 

Obi-Wan cringed. He shouldn't have said that. Qui-Gon cast his eyes down in shame and regret. 

// I know. But that's only because I forgot what I had in having you. // 

Obi-Wan fidgeted awkwardly and rubbed one of his eyes, never taking his gaze off Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon was taken back, that simple action made Obi-Wan look like so child like and innocent. Sometimes Obi-Wan was so mature Qui-Gon forgot that he was only a teenager. 

// Promise me you'll never leave me Master. // 

Qui-Gon smiled gently and tenderly tucked Obi-Wan's braid behind his ear. That being enough answer for Obi-Wan, he gently took Qui-Gon's hand and clasped it in between his own. 

// Why didn't you tell me Master? // 

// I told you why not. I thought that... // 

// I would have understood. // 

// I know, I just... // 

Obi-Wan shook his head, telling Qui-Gon to say no more. He didn't care what had happened, how foolish his Master had been or what he himself had done because of all this. He was back with Qui-Gon now. He stared insistently at him. 

// None of this happened ok? We'll forget it and everything will be ok again. // 

Qui-Gon shook his head. 

// No, that's denial. It did happen, and we're stronger because of it. // 

Obi-Wan's heart was touched, provoking more tears. Every single sliver of hatred, mistrust in and malice had long evaporated and the Obi-Wan who loved and admired his Master was back in control of the teenager thought of so fondly by the whole Temple. 

Qui-Gon was still trying to hold back tears from simply seeing his beloved Padawan in such a state. Every visible body part was marred with cuts and bruises, some looking nastier than others. _I should have been there, been there to protect him._ Obi-Wan caught the stray thought. 

"It was nobody's fault, especially not yours," said Obi-Wan as comfortingly as he possibly could. Obi-Wan was lying though. If anyone, he blamed Xanatos. He didn't make his feelings known though, fearing how Qui-Gon would react. Qui-Gon felt the thought through the bond despite the shields and silence. He ignored it. He had decided; Xanatos was out of his life now, so he should be out of his thoughts to prevent him from affecting his happiness any longer. Qui-Gon smiled at the attempt to make him feel better, but nothing would stop him feeling responsible for this, and feeling guilty for everything that had happened to harm his poor Padawan. 

"I swear Obi-Wan, I'll always be there from now on." 

Obi-Wan painted his famous winning smile on his mask of tears. He fell into Qui-Gon's arms and buried his face in his Master's robes. Qui-Gon sighed happily. 

"Nobody could ever let you go my little Obi," he whispered. 

Obi-Wan gradually lifted himself away from Qui-Gon, crying again and bowing his head. 

"I'm sorry Master." 

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow and lifted Obi-Wan's head gently with his finger. 

"You have _nothing_ to be sorry for my Padawan." 

"I know how worried I was about losing you so you must have been so scared of losing me when I tried to..." Obi-Wan's voice trailed off. 

* Never underestimate for a second how much I'd have missed you if you'd gone through with that. * 

The memory of that conversation in Pexin's Motel creeped into his mind as he lost his ability to speak. The same line that had destroyed sleep later that same night was back, shadowing over his thoughts again. 

"Hush, it's all forgotten," said Qui-Gon soothingly, wiping away fresh tears from Obi-Wan's cheeks with his thumb. Obi-Wan smiled again and let himself get drawn into another loving hug. Qui-Gon squeezed him tightly. 

"Just never scare me like that again Padawan." 

"Or you me Master," said Obi-Wan from the depths of Qui-Gon's robes, accompanied by a small grin. Obi-Wan enveloped himself in bliss and relief until he remembered the stomach injury he had. 

"Ow, Master," moaned Obi-Wan in a voice all too familiar to Qui-Gon, "go easy on me." Obi-Wan pulled away, clutching his stomach with an exaggerated look of agony on his face. Qui-Gon's face deliberately turned expressionless. 

"Ah yes, sorry Padawan. I do believe one of the healers told me about all your injuries." Obi-Wan didn't miss the underlying sarcasm in Qui-Gon's voice. Yes, this was the Qui-Gon he knew and loved back again. Obi-Wan scrunched his face up, feigning extra pain. 

"Please don't talk too much, my head hurts." 

Qui-Gon half managed to suppress his grin. 

"That, my _very_ young apprentice, would be your hangover. The healers told me all about _that_ too," said Qui-Gon in a voice unmistakably laced with amusement. 

Obi-Wan groaned and flopped onto his bed. He covered his head with his pillow, hoping it would stop the bantha in his head from smashing his brain into pulp. Qui-Gon heard an incoherent mumble which sounded roughly like 'pleaph skop thalking' and chuckled. He could make himself heard to Obi-Wan in more ways than one. 

// I did tell you never to drink anything blue… // 

*** 

Yoda waited patiently at the door of Qui-Gon's quarters. He had already been to the healers, who had said they had ushered Qui-Gon out after he'd administered a force induced sleep to Obi-Wan after all the other healers had failed to even make Obi-Wan drowsy. Yoda smiled. He had heard about how difficult it was to get Padawan Kenobi to sleep. He was jolted out of thought as Qui-Gon appeared at the door, looking mildly surprised. 

"Master Yoda, do come in." 

Yoda obliged and hobbled his way to a chair. Qui-Gon didn't need telling that the meddling little troll had come to see if Qui-Gon had told everything to Obi-Wan, and how Obi-Wan had taken it. Qui-Gon sighed. He didn't think he deserved Obi-Wan's kindness and quick forgiveness, even though he craved and welcomed it so much. 

"He forgave me quicker than you get sand in your robes on Tatooine. I don't deserve him really." 

"True, deserve him you most certainly do not," said Yoda with an impish look on his face. Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow inquiringly. 

"Is there any Master that does deserve Obi-Wan?" 

Yoda twitched his ears in thought before replying, "No, none." 

"Not even yourself?" 

Yoda shook his head without hesitation. Qui-Gon pondered. 

"Then are there any who know enough of the force to teach him enough?" 

"Yes," answered Yoda leisurely, pausing before adding the answer to the question Qui-Gon was really asking, "and know enough you do." 

Qui-Gon looked relieved despite his best efforts. They sat in silence until a frown creased his forehead as an alarming thought struck Qui-Gon. 

"You say Obi-Wan will face much in the future. Are there any, then, who can support him enough for that?" 

"Yes, but only one person there is for that." 

"Who?" 

Yoda's eyes gleamed with contemplation, considering whether Qui-Gon was truly ignorant or just wanted confirmation of what he already knew deep down. 

"You." 

*** 

A week afterwards, a very sore (but equally very happy) Obi-Wan hobbled into the rooms he shared with his Master. Leaning on Qui-Gon for support he slowly made his way to his bed. 

"Welcome home," said Qui-Gon, smiling broadly. Obi-Wan returned the smile. 

"It's good to be back." 

"Need anything Obi-Wan?" 

"Apart from a new body, no thank you Master." 

Qui-Gon threw an unconvincing look of disapproval at his Padawan before grinning and leaving Obi-Wan to himself. Not before doing a quick force check on Obi-Wan first though, just to calm his anxiety. Obi-Wan and himself were still engaged in discussions on whether to let Obi-Wan out of his sight again. He smiled, he knew he was fighting a losing battle. 

Obi-Wan glanced around the room. Nothing had been moved. Opening the blinds, he noticed a datapad on his desk. It was his diary, the datapad he'd threw down just before walking out about a fortnight ago. Obi-Wan scanned the words he'd written. It seemed like aeons since depression had caused such painful words to flow freely. Slumping back on his bed he began to write. 

_In just two weeks the whole of the last six months made perfect sense. I understand everything now. _

I really don't know what to write because so much has happened and I've found out so much. Some of the things I've done, or rather, tried to do I'd feel sick writing down. Some of the things my Master told me are too atrocious to be immortalised in text. So I'm not going to write anything. There's no way I could forget anything of the past two weeks anyway. 

These two weeks have made me wonder whether Jedi really are the cool, calm and collected peacekeepers they're meant to be. Everything inside me shouts no, and there's a nasty voice that keeps telling me that if it wasn't for the Jedi being fanatical about not showing emotion, then maybe some of this wouldn't have happened. Then I remind myself that if the Jedi weren't Jedi, I wouldn't have met Qui-Gon. 

At least I've learnt something about myself and the world. Also, at least, I know how much my Master cares for me now. That makes me feel so happy I can almost get dizzy thinking about it. Ah yes, about dizziness, I must remember never ever to buy a drink in a Coruscant bar, especially when the drink comes in shot glasses and is electric blue, no matter how miserable I feel. 

Still, now that important lessons have been learnt for all of us, the past can be allowed to be lost in the remote reaches of our memories. What matters now is the present, and future I suppose, and the fact that I'm sharing it with the one I love and care about most in the galaxy. 

*** 

A/N  
And thus the story ends as it began; with a teenager and his diary. 

Hope you enjoyed that! (even if I'm not the greatest mush writer of all time, and even if you hate mush) Now I want you all to go and give me some of that well-rounded criticism (or whatever FF.net call reviews) and tell me which chapter you liked best and why please. It'll help greatly. Personally, I liked Revelation. Although Crash and Burn was a good opener, and Tatooine was satisfying to write. Aw heck, I liked 'em all. Go on, tell me what you think, go review! Yeah, even if you've reviewed before. Shoo! And if you've read this far and not even reviewed once, shame on you! Go redeem yourselves now. 

I should have said at the beginning, if you want to archive this story or anything just ask. I'll probably say yes, it's just that I want the bragging rights. 

*hugs* Thank you all so much for faithfully sticking with me, and for everything you've said ^-^ Please email me if you have any ideas for a nice happy romance plot for Obi which you would like to see written jedi monkey style, I'm stuck for plot ideas. Just no Obidala, please, it's been done way too many times. I promise I'll keep the angst levels low! And if none of you send in ideas, then it's a Romeo and Juliet parody next (oh, the possibilities *grin*) and then the proper romance. Give me enough romance material and the romance comes first, then the parody. Anyways, thank you all again, and hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed torturing Obi and Qui *ahem* enjoyed writing this. 

Have fun guys, that's what its all about,  
jedi monkey  
-x- 


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